Still playing catch-up, but hope you guys don’t mind me being off track on this! I’ll also be posting a recipe later on today, so stay tuned for that.
Day 6: A Failure
I could write about how bad I failed to start this challenge on time, but hey…let’s try to get over that, shall we?
Instead, I’m going to write about my struggle with failing to be kind to myself. Many people say that they are their own worst enemies. I typically don’t say this about myself because sometimes it just doesn’t seem to do it justice. I have been told by numerous people (including a few therapists, so I believe it) that I am a very self-aware person. Which they make sound like a great thing at first, until we drill down to the heart of it.
At the heart of my self-awareness is the underlying worrying about who I am, what I’m doing, what I believe in, what I’m being called to do, who my friends are and tons of other big life questions just floating around. When I have a minute to sit down and reflect, whether it’s during meditation, a bath or just while I’m cooking (which is when I do some of my very best thinking/worrying) I begin to seek answers to these questions and most of the time come away from these internal discussions empty handed. Sometimes this translates into me not being very kind to myself and thinking I’m not enough the way I am. That I don’t do enough to help. That my career isn’t making an impact on anyone’s life. That I could pray more. That I could do better with communicating with old friends. That I could be more in my relationship with my boyfriend, M. It’s a slippery slope.
Now, I truly believe that we should all dig deep and ponder these larger, important life questions, of course, but they shouldn’t break down your self-worth or deter you from making any further decisions until they are all answered. That’s what I’m trying to describe here. If I feel like I’m failing in one area, perhaps a relationship, then I feel as though all areas are crumbling down.
It’s something I’ve really been working hard on over the past year and a half, but it just takes time to break habits like these and time/patience is something I’ve never been very good with. I’m committed to working on how I view myself before I feel comfortable raising a family – particularly a little girl.
I believe that instilling confidence, self-worth and value within myself has to come before I can do that to another individual.
Question: What failures have you experienced that have helped you grow over the past year?